I doubt you’ll ever read this, but it makes no difference because you don’t have the respect for me to really listen to what I have to say in the first place. (Sure, you might read the words, but you won’t put in the effort to digest them or consider my point of view.)
So, I know there’s no point in me trying to say it directly anymore; in person, you just manipulate the conversation so that you’re controlling it and everything is about you or about how terrible everyone else in my life is. If it’s through messaging, you won’t take the time to understand what my words are saying before deflecting them, either saying I’m victimizing you because you have a certain mental illness or deflecting them so that they become an attack on someone else.
The thing is, admitting you have an illness doesn’t mean anything if you’re using it as an excuse for being a self-centred asshole while neglecting to take any action or put any effort into treating and/or managing the symptoms you seem to think make you immune to criticism or even differing opinions. You don’t get to say “I’m autistic, I have an overly addictive personality, etc” and receive automatic immunity from literally everyone who disagrees with you or is offended by anything you say.
What is that saying about those of us who work so extremely hard to manage our struggles? What even is the point of admitting you have a problem if you’re showing absolutely no signs of any attempt to get better? Is it just to manipulate everyone into feeling sorry for you, because it sure as hell feels like that’s what you’ve been doing to me for god even knows how long at this point. Then, once I feel sorry for you, I let you get away with things that normally would be utterly repulsive. It’s not constructive, it’s not healthy, it’s straight up toxic.
You’re not doing anything to make yourself better, you’re just tossing me around and making me worse despite my efforts to manage my own mental illness as much as I can.
You encourage my developing alcoholism, using alcohol as an incentive for me to hang out with you at your house. You belittle my struggles because I’m able to manage my symptoms better than you are (no doubt because I put serious effort into identifying my own patterns of behaviour and doing my absolute best to correct the irrational ones before they spiral out of hand). You’ve invaded every group of friends I have and you somehow inevitably manage to create drama and destroy the safe space for everyone. You’ve dug yourself so deeply into my life that I can’t get away, not without giving up such a huge and meaningful part of my life.
I’ve tried so hard to keep my distance, to not interact, but it’s never enough. You always find a way to torment me, to baffle me with frustration and anger and hopelessness until next thing I know I’m sitting alone in a dark room drinking straight from the bottle despite having just gone a significant amount of time without using any kind of mind altering substance as a coping mechanism.
As long as you’re around, I fear I might never actually get better.
Hell, you don’t even let me have a single conversation without taking over the whole thing and changing the topic to YOU.
And I’m honestly at a loss. I’m not willing to give up my passion just because you happen to also be a member of our charity group, I can’t just block you and run away. I’ve tried confronting you and I don’t even know how you guilt me into apologizing for being in the wrong when you’re so clearly the toxic one.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had my mind fucked with by someone like you, but the problem is I don’t know how many times I can survive being around this before I break.