I’m just a flurry of feelings.
Avoidant, clingy, depressed, content, confident, worthless, excited, dreading, self-destructive, inspired, a living, breathing contradiction.
One part of me craves not only attention but companionship, someone that I can trust, who’ll put up with me even on the really bad days. Another part of me rejects attachment entirely, and I become fairly cold toward friends who try to reach out and be that kind of person. However, there’s a third piece, a mediator of sorts, operating on what I can only interpret as the various energies it picks up on in the world.
So, it seems that certain energies cause me to create exceptions and let people in. They don’t tend to be the ones that my rational mind would have chosen, and rarely are they the ones I’m drawn to on an emotionally aesthetic level, either. I just ‘have a feeling’ about them, and for the most part it hasn’t led me astray.
But then I don’t know if it’s my rational mind or if it’s my illness or if it’s just the inevitable consequence of having been through multiple traumatic experiences of abusive relationships; something just makes me question if there’s another motive behind my feelings.
I’m just so terrified of the world. Maybe I’m just desperate for someone to protect me from it.
Maybe I’m just grasping for an escape from reality through someone else… or at least looking for someone to hide behind, because I’m so damn tired of putting up walls and acting like a strong person.
Then again, is there actually anything wrong with that?
I don’t know anything about relationships in any capacity, so maybe I’m just worried about nothing at all. After all, if I really didn’t like someone, I’d shut them off almost immediately and none of this would even be relevant, and that’s the important thing, right? Liking your friends/partner?
I think I’m just really terrified of being conned again… that maybe I’m being manipulated again, and I’m just being hopeful in believing that I’ve developed a better ability to pick up on people who give off “questionable vibes”.
In the middle of it all I suppose it’s just a struggle of learning to be able to trust myself again.